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One day I was looking through chick.com, the website of Chick Publications.
For those of you who haven't heard of it before, they're the ones that put out those crazy little fundamentalist
Christian comic books (drawn by Jack T. Chick, hence the name of the company) that you find laying around all over
the place. If you're not familiar with them, go poke around on their site a bit (and make sure you read a few of their
tracts) before reading further or this
won't be nearly as funny as it should be. I happened across their Testimonies page and noted rather cynically that any half of the stories listed there sounded like parodies of the other half. So that's when the light bulb came on - let's see if we can spoof them! So I made myself an email account with Yahoo under the name Walter Curnow (a name from an Arthur C. Clarke novel), came up with an outrageous story, and sent it off to them. My goal was to get them to trumpet this on their webpage so we could all come laugh at them. (Just for reference, the messages with blue headers are from me and the red headers are from my targets. But I'm sure you'd be able to figure that out without too much trouble.) |
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Walter Curnow 4/15/2001 Subject: Saved on the Moon |
Mr. Chick, Have I got a story for you! I'm a member of the United States Astronaut Services (retired), and I was lucky enough to be named to one of the last moon flights. In 1972, Joe Douglas and I set down our Lunar Module 'Champion' on the dusty surface of the Descartes Highlands. We had just returned from the first moonwalk when I noticed something taped to the back of the Descent Engine Command Override checklist. At first I thought it might be dirty pictures, like some of the technicians had stuck in for Pete and Al on Apollo 12. But I looked at it, and saw it was this funny little comic book called 'Holy Joe'. So I started reading. When I was done I read it again. And then one more time. Something within me had broken open. I dropped to my knees right there in the lunar module - it took a few seconds in the gentle lunar gravity - and invited Lord Jesus Christ into my heart. Poor Joe had no idea what I was doing! So I showed him the book. We got to talking for hours about it all, while looking through the overhead rendezvous window at the beautiful full Earth slowly turning, and at the end of it all, Joe was saved too. It was so amazing to be seeing the wonders of God's creation from such a spectacular place. The next day, Joe and I decided to leave this little comic book there on the moon - it's still sitting there in the rover, to this day - so that future explorers might know what kind of people had been here. In the years that followed, we've both managed to get NASA mad at us whenever we talk about the moon, for contradicting the 'billions of years old' nonsense they're still spouting to this very day. But they're never going to stop us from spreading the Truth! Feel free to use this testimonial on your web site, if you like. (Or, if you'd like, I could write up an article-length 'full version' for you, too! Just say the word and you've got it.) Thank you again, Mr. Chick. Walter Curnow, Lunar Module Pilot, Apollo 17. |
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There are a great many problems with this story, technical and otherwise. The most obvious is that the names I'm using
are not the names of the guys who were actually on the flight. I considered using their real names but didn't want to besmirch anybody's character. A week later, I got a response from a Customer Service drone... |
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Cathleen Sanders 4/21/2001 Subject: Re: Saved on the Moon |
Dear Walter Curnow, Thank you for writing to us and for your wonderful testimony. God can save people anywhere!! I have forwarded your testimony to the editor of our Battle Cry newsletter and to be read out loud at our daily devotions for a blessing to everybody. May God continue to bless you! Serving the Lord Jesus Christ, Cathleen Sanders |
| All right! She bought it hook, line and sinker! But alas, it was not to be, for soon after another Chick drone wrote to me... |
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Gary Karmann 4/23/2001 Subject: ???????? |
How do you explain the fact that your names do not appear on the list of men in Apollo 17? |
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Hmm.... what to do? I hadn't really expected this prank to go all the way, but I still wanted to get a bit more
life out of it. I thought it over for a while... perhaps say I'd made a typo and meant to say Apollo 18? No, that
wouldn't gain me anything. He's already suspicious and it wouldn't take him long to find out I'm still lying. And that's when it hit me. Spoof within a spoof. They delight in finding Satanists under every rock, so let's give them some. Warning - it gets a little bit dry in here for the next few messages, as I'm mostly just building up credibility for the new persona I'll be building. It picks up soon enough though. Okay, so step one was to admit the original prank. This was sent to both people who responded. |
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Walter Curnow 4/23/2001 Subject: Re: ???????? |
Wow, only eight days and two responses until somebody
bothered to check on my outrageous claims. That's
better than I expected. Yes, my friends, your chains have been yanked. Sorry, deal with it. By the way, you spotted the most obvious of the mistakes and impossibilities in my initial letter. Congratulations. Finding the remainder of them is left as an exercise for the student. (There's lots.) Keep up the good work. Your comics are always good for a laugh. "Walter Curnow" |
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Now it was time to establish a second persona. So I made another fake email account under the name Nicola Mott (this time a character from a
novel by Stephen Baxter) at collegeclub.com, as I intended both of my personae
to be college students (but I didn't have access to a real .edu domain). For the first message from "Nicola", I just needed to establish her as a person, and a reasonably nice one at that. |
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Nicola Mott 4/24/2001 Subject: My jerk friend |
I just want to apologize on behalf of my friend "Walter Curnow" (not his
real name) who did that tasteless prank about finding one of your comics
on the moon. He forwarded your reply to all of us, thinking it was real
funny. I don't think it was funny, I just think it was mean. I'm not
going to give you his real name since i don't want him to get in any
trouble. He's a cool guy but he can be a real jerk sometimes. ~~~Nikki Mott~~~ |
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I didn't get a response to this message - at least not right away - but I wasn't exactly fishing for one. I let about a week go by, and then it was time to initiate Phase Two of the prank. Since they didn't turn out to be all that gullible about space travel, I figured it was time to give them a plot they already believed. From this point on I directed the emails only to Cathleen, the customer service drone who believed the first story without a second thought. |
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Nicola Mott 5/1/2001 Subject: A concern |
Hi there. You probably don't remember me. I'm the friend of the guy who did that "saved on the moon" prank to you and I apologized for him. I feel kind of funny writing to you again, but I'm kind of concerned about something and, well, I really don't know anybody here and you seemed really nice when you wrote back to him. Is levitation always bad? I remember there was something in a tract about it. "Walter" (the guy who did the prank, and no I'm still not giving you his real name) showed me a trick where he made a CD float in the air above his hand. It was one of my own CDs and we were in my dorm room, so I don't see any way he could have rigged it with wires or something. He wouldn't tell me how he did it but said he might tell me when I was ready. Whatever that means. It might be nothing (just some really good slight of hand) but when you put it together with his anti-Christian stuff (you guys aren't the only Christians he's played with) it makes me concerned. And maybe a bit scared. I've never had to deal with the occult before. Is this it? I'd appreciate any advice you could give me on how to deal with this. Thank you very much. ~~~Nikki Mott~~~ |
| A few days went by and I finally got a response.... to Nikki's first message. Hm. Apparently she's working her way through a significant email backlog or something. |
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Cathleen Sanders 5/4/2001 Subject: Re: My jerk friend |
Dear Nikki Mott, Thank you for writing to us. It is nice of you to write to us and let us know about your feelings on this matter. We actually thought that it was funny and he was really good. He used all the correct terminology and sounded very much so right. Also it might have made him realize that we do check the background of things we post and do not just grab them from whosoever who claims to be something. Anyway, we do appreciate your concern. May God bless you! Serving the Lord Jesus Christ, Cathleen Sanders |
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It's always pleasing to get the Stamp of Approval for correct terminology from someone who obviously knows next to
nothing about the subject in question. (I love sounding "very much so right".) I think the most intricate
term I used (correctly, anyway) was "Lunar Module". Whee. All right. Time to set the hook. |
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Nicola Mott 5/4/2001 Subject: Re: My jerk friend |
Hi again. Thanks for writing back. I guess it takes you a while to get through all your email since you only responded to my first letter and it looks like you haven't reached my second one. You must get lots of email there. Anyway, Walter says he'll show me how he did the floating CD trick tomorrow night. Like I said, I'm kind of worried that this might be some sort of occult thing, and you guys there at Chick seem to know what's evil and what's not, and I'm hoping you can help me figure this out. I'll write back to you after tomorrow night and tell you what happened, and you'll have that much more to work with. I really hope I'm not imposing on you, to ask for your opinion on all this. But you're the only one I really feel comfortable asking about it. (I know that sounds kind of silly, I mean I've never met you and all I've got is two emails, one of which wasn't even to me. But I really don't know anyone here (except Walter and his friends, who I obviously can't ask) since I just transferred in for this term, and you seem nice. Thanks. ~~~Nikki Mott~~~ |
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Cathleen Sanders 5/5/2001 Subject: Re: My jerk friend |
Dear Nikki Mott, You're absolutely right about me being a little behind in answering the mail. Now I am doing better in being only 1 week behind! I answer about 600 letters per month. Now that I know how your letter looks like, I'll be looking for it to get back to you quicker. You are certainly welcome to write us any time. Till later... May God bless you! Serving the Lord Jesus Christ, Cathleen Sanders |
| Okay, enough screwing around. I've got her listening, now it's time to begin the narrative and start to get this chick freaked out. |
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Nicola Mott 5/6/2001 Subject: The plot thickens |
Hi again Cathleen (is that how it's really spelled?), this is Nikki again. If you haven't seen my second email yet, I've pasted it on the bottom of this message. If you haven't read it yet you might want to look at it first so that this one will make more sense. Walter and his friends showed me how to do the levitation trick tonight. It didn't FEEL like anything occult or evil or anything, but I'm still kind of worried. Can I just tell you the story and see what you make of it? There's a little planetarium in the science building, and they'd somehow got the administration to let them use it to have a party. They had the star projector going, and the ceiling was blazing with stars. It was really pretty. Apart from that, it was a pretty normal party - music, drinks, games, all that. After a little while, Walter and another friend of his, Kate, took me aside to show me how they do the levitation trick. But it's not a trick - you can actually do it. I forgot exactly how they explained it (you sort of have to picture it moving, and then believe that it IS moving, and then it actually IS) but I can do it easily now. When I first started, I could barely make a paperclip budge, but after ten minutes or so of practicing I could make a pencil float a few inches above my hand for almost ten seconds. It's absolutely amazing! A few days ago I'd never even seen anything like this, and now I can do it myself! They said you get better with practice, and everybody there was way better at it than me. There was even one guy who could make a chair float up to the ceiling! I was kind of getting lost in the amazement of it when I remembered that all this kind of scared me. So I just asked the group point blank if they worshipped the devil. They laughed and said they didn't worship anything, any more than you had to worship your own stomach to digest food. This was just a new something they'd figured out how to do. And there was lots more, they said. I know how all this has got to sound. I suppose I can't really expect you to believe me. But it's true - I just made a dime float up off the table, just now, to prove to myself it wasn't a dream or something. So I don't know WHAT to think. It didn't feel like I always figured an occult thing would, and I sure didn't see anybody worshipping anything. Except for the place it was held (and the new skill I learned) it could have been any party I've ever been to. But I've never heard of levitation or anything that didn't turn out to be evil or something. What do you think? Have you ever heard of anything like this before? ~~~Nikki Mott~~~ [Paste-in of previous message omitted for webpage] |
| A bit of an interlude - the guy who figured out the moon hoax writes back to Nikki's very first letter. (These people really need to work on their email turnaround time.) |
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Gary Karmann 5/6/2001 Subject: Walter |
Apology accepted. We get lots of pranks like this, but I admit, his story was so full of details that I bought it at first. He has real talent that should get him a good grade in creative writing class. I still have a copy of his email and have been praying for him. Maybe you could tell me whether he is an honest seeker of truth inspite of his propensity to kid games. If he is, then I have a story for him. God's best, Gary Karmann |
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It's always nice to have one's work praised, even indirectly. But actually, I recall getting rather mediocre grades in creative writing classes. <shrug> I think I'll pass on replying to this one. If I get too many threads going, this this will get a bit confusing to read. For now, we transpose ourselves back into the main line of the prank, settle in, and read Cathleen's response to Nicola's last letter. |
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Cathleen Sanders 5/7/2001 Subject: Re: The plot thickens |
Dear Nikki, Honestly, I do not know. I have always heard that something like this would be of Satan. You must agree that it is against the natural laws of nature (gravity) for objects to get off the ground without any help. And also I would like to say that Satan is a master deceiver. I cannot imagine him coming around and making people feel weird right off the bat. That would be too obvious. He leads one into his traps one step at a time until one thinks that there is no way out. If you ever get into any situation where you feel all hope is gone, I would like you to remember that God loves you and ALWAYS wants to help. Nikki, are you a Christian? You can see how you can become one at http://www.chick.com/information/general/salvation.asp As about the advice on that levitation etc stuff. I would just stay away from it. A strange fascination with the supernatural can lead to more strange things. If it is not of God, who is it of then? Just something to think about... You can see what information we have posted on our website about the occult at http://www.chick.com/search/ by choosing it from the drop-down box. I hope this helps. May God bless you! Serving the Lord Jesus Christ, Cathleen Sanders |
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Nicola Mott 5/8/2001 Subject: Re: The plot thickens |
Hi Cathleen. Thanks for talking to me about this.
First things first, yes, I'm a Christian, I guess. I mean, I was raised Lutheran and went to church as a kid, but I stopped going when I was 12 or 13. So yes, I'm still a Christian, but it's kind of a background thing. I'm not like those folks in that "Campus something-or-other for Christ" club, saying grace in the dining hall and all that, but I'm not exactly evil either. Back to the levitation thing, i'm not so sure this does go against any laws of nature. I mean, airplanes defy gravity but nobody considers them evil for it. Or the example Walter gave me in the planetarium - lift your arm up normally. You've just made something physical go against gravity by your own mental powers. Just because we don't know as much about the levitation thing as we do about nerves and muscles and stuff, does that make it satanic? I think I want to keep finding out more about it. I don't want to get into anything I can't handle, but I've just GOT to know what there is to know here. Don't worry, I'll be careful. And if you don't mind, I'll keep sending you updates of what's happening with it. You might spot something alarming that I miss. Thanks again for listening. I still don't know if you even believe me about the weirder parts but it feels better talking to someone about it. Thanks. ~~~Nikki Mott~~~ |
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Cathleen Sanders 5/10/2001 Subject: Re: The plot thickens |
Dear Nikki, You can write me any time. My question about if you were a Christian was not clear enough, I guess. Let me try to clarify it briefly. Read John 3 and I would like to ask you a question is you have been born into God's family. I do not mean religious but do you have a personal relationship with God? That is what counts! Anyway, just be careful and as you said; keep your eyes open and ask God to help you make the right decisions. There are physical laws that support the flight of the airplanes and we do have a direct line of contact through our nervous system to raise our arms. Maybe, like you said, we will one day understand what causes levitation... I'll be here when you need to talk again. God bless! Serving the Lord Jesus Christ, Cathleen Sanders |
| I almost feel bad about pranking this poor lady. I mean, she does seem like a nice person. But then I go back and read some of the tripe that Chick puts out, and feel much better. After all, every bit of energy they put toward this prank is a bit of energy they're not spending to spread their ridiculous agenda. Pile it on! |
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Nicola Mott 5/15/2001 Subject: Re: The plot thickens |
Hi Cathleen. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you but all my final projects are coming due soon and I've been tearing my hair out over it. I read John 3 in the Bible they have in the Library (I don't have one of my own) and I must say I really don't get it. Of course, I never really did understand the expression born again. And what's he talking about in verse 13 where he says no one has ever gone to heaven? Does that mean that anyone who lived in BC times is in hell? That hardly seems fair. What's it all about? Now on to news about Walter and company. Last weekend there was another party in the planetarium. Like before, it was a regular party, nothing spooky. Then somebody brought out a ouija(sp?) board. I said I'd just watch and they seemed okay with that. They didn't use it the normal way, but everybody just sort of touched it lightly with the same thing they use for the levitation trick, and it moved that way. The board started spelling stuff out and it looked like someone (something?) called Avestriel was doing the talking. I asked Kate who that was, and she said Avestriel was sometimes called the Terrible Red Angel but didn't really deserve the name. She said this was the way they learned all their weird powers. The board spelled out something about being on Mars (?) and then coming to Earth, but I didn't really understand that part. Then it started saying how to do another trick. It's a way of MAKING someone believe you. Ever see Star Wars? Where the old guy does the bit about "these aren't the droids you're looking for" to the bad guys? It's exactly like that. We can all get it to work sometimes but not all the time. I guess we need practice or something. So have you ever heard of this Avestriel character? I did a search on your site but didn't find anything. Thanks for listening, er, reading. :-) ~~~Nikki Mott~~~ |
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Cathleen Sanders 5/16/2001 Subject: Re: The plot thickens |
Dear Nikki, Believe me, I understand about one being very busy!! Don't sweat it; I'll be here when you have a chance to drop a line. And guess what: The Bible does tell about this "red angel"!! You can read about it in 2nd Corinthians chapter 11 and Revelation chapter 12 (in the beginning of the Bible there is an index that helps you find the books). The whole thing is progressing just as I suspected. The levitation seemed innocent enough and now it is leading into the occult. Please, Nikki, stay away from that. The Devil is a master deceiver but he does not love you. God loves you and wants only the best for you. Also I would like to commend you on your close observation in John 3. Before Jesus died, the righteous people went into a place called Abraham's bosom which was a holding place for them until they could be redeemed. Jesus told about this in Luke 16:19-31. After Jesus died, He went down and redeemed the dead that were in Abraham's bosom and now they are in heaven. I hope your finals go well and please do stay away from that crowd. Believe me, they are not looking out for your best! If you send me your address, I will send some material for you to read on your summer break.. God bless! Serving the Lord Jesus Christ, Cathleen Sanders |
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Just for the record, I lifted Avestriel lock, stock and barrel from an online comic called The Parking Lot Is Full. This next message is rather long. I would have liked to split all this up into several messages, but time was rapidly becoming a prime concern. Most colleges are already out for the summer by this point and I had to finish this before it became implausible for school to still be in session. |
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Nicola Mott 5/21/2001 Subject: Invasion and Rout |
Hi Cathleen. This is going to be kind of a long message but a LOT happened tonight. I'll start at the beginning. There was another party in the planetarium tonight. It was kind of odd to have a party on a Sunday night, especially this close to finals, but they said this one was going to be special. I was kind of worried, based on what you said in your last email, but I figured I'd go along to this one. After all, these are the only people here I know and I didn't want to get them mad at me. This party was different right off the bat. The music was softer and stuff I'd never heard. There were no drinks or anything. Walter explained that tonight they were going to do a summoning - get Avestriel to actually show up. He said they'd done it a few times before and it was always spectacular. So I stuck around to watch. They started... i don't know quite how to describe it. Making these sort of glowing threads out of nothingness. I could see them out of the corner of my eye but if I tried to look right at them they disappeared. They started using the levitation thing (I guess) to attach the ends of the threads to the bottom of the dome. It started to form some sort of geometrical pattern. It was really pretty, with those softly glowing strands in front of the stars projected on the ceiling. And that's when the door burst open. People came rushing in, shouting things like "the Lord rebuke you!". After a second I recognized them - it was the Campus something-or-other for Christ club! And with them there was this LIGHT. It was almost like the light our threads were made of, but it was blinding! But it wasn't casting shadows and the stars on the ceiling weren't getting washed out at all. That light came in with them and it started smashing and breaking our glowing threads! One of the Campus whatever for Christ people ran up to me - I think I know this guy, he's in my world history class - and he held up a book (I guess it was a bible) and he started saying "in the name of our lord Jesus I command you..." I was so scared. I felt frozen to the spot even though everyone else was running. I guess Kate noticed I was in trouble because she came over and pulled my arm - she just about jerked me off my feet and I lost my shoe but I got my wits back about me and started running. Everyone scattered once we were out the door. The phrase "like roaches when you turn on the light" came to mind. Kate and I ran across the quad and around behind the theater building and hid behind a van in the parking lot. When we caught our breath Kate started saying that if only we'd completed the summoning we might have been able to fight, but it was still okay because there was a backup spot we could use. Not as pretty as the planetarium, but it'd work, and we'd try again in a day or two - on the new moon if we can swing it. She asked if any of the people that raided us would recognize me, and I said yes, so she said then it wasn't safe to go back to the dorms tonight. So we went to her car and we drove to a motel on the other side of town for the night. In the hotel room, I told her enough messing around - tell me exactly what's going on. So we sat down and she told me. She said Avestriel was a being of some sort - angel, spirit, whatever you want to call it - who is trapped on Mars. (She didn't say why.) He's the one who gives us all our powers, so we can help him come back to earth. Summonings like we were going to do tonight are great for our powers but for him to come back to earth for real he has to "hitchhike" on a human being who's actually going from Mars to Earth. She said that's why Walter knows so much about astronomy and the space program - most people in the group do, actually - and they're all pushing for a Mars mission so Avestriel can use it to come home. So I asked her why the Campus whatever-their-name-is for Christ club attacked us. She said they couldn't tell the difference between us and their old enemies the satanists and so they just tried to destroy us anyway. Her laptop was in the car, so she brought it in and we got on the school network through the dialup so we'd have something to do with the rest of the evening. We did some surfing and stuff, and just talked (we ARE friends in the regular world too, it's not just based on the Avestriel stuff) and when she went to bed I said I wasn't tired and got back on the net, and so it is that I'm writing to you now. I probably don't have to tell you that I'm pretty scared right now. I started thinking about what you said about how god wants me even when it feels like there's no way out but that just made me even more afraid - when I think of Jesus now all I see is that LIGHT, smashing and destroying and making all my friends run for their lives! I just don't know what to do. For some reason I feel like I can trust you, Cathleen, even though I know you serve the one I'm most afraid of right now. But I just don't know what to do. But for right now I'm going to get some sleep. Maybe I can figure it all out in the morning. Sorry this message is so long but like I said, a LOT happened. ~~~Nikki Mott~~~ |
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Cathleen Sanders 5/25/2001 Subject: Re: Invasion and Rout |
Hi Nikki, You are right again: you should be scared. You have gotten involved in something you shouldn't have. From what you experienced, you already understood that Jesus, who is the light of this world, (Satan is only the angel of Light and the master deceiver), is stronger than that character you were trying to summon. Believe me, you are in the middle of spiritual warfare and Satan wants your soul. But he does not love you. Jesus does. He actually already paid for your soul but He loves you so much that He gives you a free choice whether you want to follow Him or Satan. Please read the following: The Bible tells us that God created man to be in fellowship with Him, to worship Him and to love Him. The first man, Adam, sinned and broke the fellowship. From then on sin has been passed onto all people and we cannot get back to be in fellowship with God on our own. The whole point is that because God is holy, He cannot have anything unholy in His presence. We can never obtain the state of perfection He requires on our own or by doing our best. Our best is not enough! In His love He sent His only Son, Jesus, to pay for our sins so that He will no longer see us but Christ's righteousness. He finished it, His righteousness is enough! To see how to receive this free gift of salvation, I'd like you to take a look at http://www.chick.com/information/general/salvation.asp I would also like to suggest that you do not go to another one of those meetings. God is gently pulling at your heart strings and making you feel uneasy there. You do have finals to study for, don't you...? That would do for an excuse right now... Also please do get in touch with that guy you recognized from your history class from Campus Crusade for Christ. Please, keep me updated. I have been absolutely swamped with things to do but I am praying for you all the time even when you don't hear from me immediately. Serving the Lord Jesus Christ, Cathleen Sanders |
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This reply was a few days in coming, so I was starting to wonder if I'd pushed it a bit too far, what with the strings and the summonings and the running and the exploding and the crying. After all, I made up all those details instead of getting them out of one of their tracts, so I wasn't sure if I was crossing some threshold of gullibility. But nope, she's still buying it. Hmmm... where to go next? Get into a deep philosophical argument over how if you actually READ the Bible, Jesus was a guy of questionable moral character, to say the least? No, doesn't really fit with the rest of the prank, and in any case would take forever - the end of next week is as far as I dare stretch this prank. Hmmm... I've got it! Another story they already believe! It's time for poor Nikki to get possessed! |
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Nicola Mott 5/26/2001 Subject: Re: Invasion and Rout |
Hi again Cathleen. Thanks for listening through all this. This week I tried to avoid just about everybody - I've hardly seen Walter and company, and even though the guy from my history class looks like he's been trying to talk to me all week, I've been dodging him. I've even been screening all my calls through my answering machine and only calling back if it's urgent. But last night I was in the computer lab, and by chance (I think) so were some of the Avestriel folks. Vasilia (one of the Avestriel folks) is the computer lab supervisor and has keys to the place, so she let us stay after it was supposed to close while kicking everybody else out. I didn't think much of it - I was just glad I would get to finish my statistics project tonight (it needs software I don't have on my own computer in my dorm room) but then someone said that if we could get a hold of everyone else, why not do the summoning again tonight, right here? They said this computer lab WAS the backup location, after all, and the only reason they had been planning to wait until tomorrow night was they were worried some club meeting or other that was in this building tonight might run long, but apparently it was already over and we had the place to ourselves. They called everyone who wasn't there and they all showed up quickly enough (there's only about twelve of us total) and they brought a CD player, some candles, and a ouija board. I wanted to back out but since I was already there I couldn't really think of any good way. So I figured I'd compromise and just watch. They lit the candles and turned out the lights and started doing the glowing string thing again. It wasn't nearly as pretty against regular ceiling tile as it had been against the planetarium dome but it worked - once they completed the pattern, this... this FIRE started under the center of it. It was made of the same kind of light as the strings, and was doing the same weird not-casting-shadows thing. Someone threw the ouija board and pointer to it. The fire GRABBED them out of mid-air and it spelled out "HOST". They asked who it wanted. It spelled "FLAME HAIR". Everyone turned to look at me. (I have red hair.) I had just been standing in a corner watching, not knowing what to think. I started to say something when the fire JUMPED at me. I flinched... and then I don't remember what happened. I sort of remember being walked back to my dorm room, leaning hard on a couple of people. I was just wiped out. They took me into my room and laid me in bed. I was asleep instantly. When I woke up I found a note next to the bed saying to call Kate or Walter when i woke up and they'd explain everything that happened. But I found something a lot scarier when I undressed to take a shower. This is kind of embarrassing but there's a symbol on my right breast, just under the nipple. It looks kind of like a stylized bird. I've drawn it on the computer as best I can and I attached it to this email. I'm no artist - the one one me is a lot more symmetrical than the drawing. And it won't wash off. I must have spent half an hour in the shower trying to scrub it off but it didn't even fade. I'm going to call Kate now and hear her explanation. I'll get back to you afterward. ~~~Nikki Mott~~~ |
| Here's the "evil" symbol I sent. It should be instantly recognizable to all you Star Wars fanboys out there as the insignia of the Rebel Alliance. |
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| A few hours later, I followed up with a sort of "cliffhanger"... |
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Nicola Mott 5/26/2001 Subject: Endgame |
Hi Cathleen. Well, Kate said Avestriel spoke through me last night. While it takes a lot out of you it also increases your powers a lot. It's true - I checked and I'm way stronger with levitation. She said she'd been used as a host once before too - she showed me her mark. It's in the same place as mine and looks just like it. She said it's just sort of a "place-holder" until we get fully initiated and get our real marks. Half of me wants to go with Jesus to get away from Avestriel - all this stuff is really starting to scare me. But the other half of me wants to go with Avestriel to get away from Jesus. (I mean, at least the Avestriel folks haven't gone around attacking anyone else's ceremonies.) I don't know which way to go. But now I have to decide. I'm going to go away for a while and think. I'll be back in time for finals on Tuesday. You'll hear from me sometime around then. Thank you Cathleen. For just being there. ~~~Nikki Mott~~~ |
| ...and then I got nothing for almost two weeks. I wanted just one more reply before putting the nail in the lid of this prank, but I'd already stretched the school year beyond plausibility. So I came up with a way to work around it and kept waiting. I was starting to worry, again, if I'd gotten too outrageous and given the prank away. But then this reply came in, and she's just as hooked as ever. Oh me of little faith. |
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Cathleen Sanders 6/4/2001 Subject: Re: Endgame |
Hi Nikki, You are playing with fire and you obviously know what I would say about who you should go with. There is a certain fascination in the occult stuff and that is what gets people into it. We also like the aspect of being a little scared - why do people otherwise watch scary movies. But Satan has already lost the game and he is the one appearing as Avestrial. Jesus is the winner. Why on earth would you want to go with the loser??!! Also there is nothing scary about God. He gives his children peace and joy that goes beyond our understanding. I will enclose here some more information that hopefully will make this very clear to you: The Bible tells us that God created man to be in fellowship with Him, to worship Him and to love Him. The first man, Adam, sinned and broke the fellowship. From then on sin has been passed onto all people and we cannot get back to be in fellowship with God on our own. The whole point is that because God is holy, He cannot have anything unholy in His presence. We can never obtain the state of perfection He requires on our own or by doing our best. Our best is not enough! In His love He sent His only Son, Jesus, to pay for our sins so that He will no longer see us but Christ's righteousness. He finished it, His righteousness is enough! To see how to receive this free gift of salvation, I'd like you to take a look at http://www.chick.com/information/general/salvation.asp Nikki, I am pleading with you. Have nothing more to do with Avestrial and that crowd. Just slip out of there when something starts happening. And if they try to keep you against your will, just say that you cannot be held against your will. Think really carefully; do you really want to be out of your senses doing whatever and not knowing it until it is over and just to trust what others tell you happened? I will be out of town for about a week camping with my family but you will hear back from me when I get back. May God bless you and help you to turn away from those evil things! Serving the Lord Jesus Christ, Cathleen Sanders |
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Wait a minute. Wait just a colon picking minute. Look again at the second paragraph. Does it seem... oh... familiar at all? It's identical - word for word - with the second paragraph of her LAST response. A canned response? It seems so. Here we have (as far as they know) a poor misguided girl, about to give her life to the devil. She has come to the people of Chick, to seek their counsel before deciding whether to turn to the dark side. Clearly, drastic action is necessary. There's no recourse but to cut 'n paste a prepackaged form letter. Twice. |
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And now, time passes... The real reason is that the power supply in my main computer went a little bit funny in the head, and started doing silly things, like slowly zapping motherboards to death. It did it to two of them before I caught on. But three long months later (I was a bit on the broke side because of the aforementioned short-lived motherboards), I was back up and running, with a story all ready to explain the long absence. (It is worth noting that "Nikki" received no emails from Cathleen in the intervening months. Nothing. Not so much as a "So, did you jump in bed with Satan, or what?") |
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Nicola Mott 8/22/2001 Subject: Denoument |
Hello again Cathleen. This is Nikki. If I remember right, I last wrote you just before I gave in and threw in my lot with Avestriel. I know you won't approve, but time has shown me I've made the right choice. They held the Initiation just after finals. That's when they told us who we were REALLY serving. You were right all along. I just threw my head back and laughed at the irony of it all, especially when they told us the Avestriel story came from a comic book. I've spent most of the summer at a training camp - it used to be a kids' summer camp but the Order bought it a few years ago. A lot of the time I spent learning the finer points of setting up a cell like the one that recruited me. It's really a clever plan, if you think of it - take impressionable college kids, teach them a few meaningless tricks to get them interested, give them a nonsense story to keep them from guessing the truth, and just keep drawing them in. The experiment was a rousing success and so we're all transferring to different schools this year to start it on a large scale. We're exponential now. In a few years we'll be in every school in America. Oh, something just occurred to me. If you're worried that you now "know too much", don't be. I haven't told you anything you couldn't have found out on your own with a little detective work. Hell, I'm only a Three of Swords. They haven't even told ME anything top secret yet. So I assure you, you are in no danger. So why AM I writing to you? Well, during the whole Avestriel episode, you were there for me to talk to. Some people have that certain something that makes them seem approachable and trustworthy. You're one of those people - it even came across over email. And you were persuasive - you almost had me on your side, right there at the end. But if there had been someone like that on the other side of the debate, my Conversion would have been much easier. We NEED people like you, Cathleen. The Order is huge - I won't bother to say just how huge because you wouldn't believe me - but it has PR problems. People think of us as unapproachable. If we had more people like you, we'd be so much better off. Plus you have experience with a highly successful proselytizing effort, so you know all the tricks. Maybe you could even draw us some tracts. :) There's so much for you here on the other side. There's practical benefits - we take care of our own. Whenever you need strings pulled, there's someone who can do it for you. And less tangible things, too. Like knowing you're a part of a huge family, and being free of that stuffy, outdated morality. Even training camp was the most fun I've had since I was a kid. And you haven't lived until you've eaten barbecued baby. (I'm just kidding about that last one.) If you're interested, I can put you in touch with someone to oversee your Conversion. I know there's not much chance you'll want to come across, but I feel it's my duty to at least make the offer. Our master goes by many names, but we know him as Father. He's there for you if you want him. Oh, and one more thing I just thought of. (I'm developing an appreciation for irony.) It turns out that at least one part of the Avestriel script IS true, in a sense. Manned spaceflight WILL have a very important role to play in the upcoming battle. But you're just going to have to wait and see what that role is. Or join us and we'll tell you. :) Thank you again for everything, Cathleen. ~~~Nicola Mott~~~ |
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Cathleen Sanders 8/23/2001 Subject: Re: Denoument |
Dear Nicola Mott, I am sorry to hear you made the wrong choice. I figured you were out of college for the summer and so I was not surprised to hear nothing from you for a while. Anyway, when the day comes that you will find that your "Father" appears as an "Angel of Light" even though his real name is "Deceiver" and "Father of Lies" aka Satan, and you feel that you have been trapped and that there is no way out and you are sacred and lonely, please remember that God still loves you and He is going to be the victor over Satan in the end. You can ALWAYS come to Him and He will welcome you with open arms!! Why you want to be on the loser's side goes beyond me but you are free to choose what you want. God has no unwilling followers! Also I will be taking a break from answering the e-mail for Chick Publications but if you ever want to write to me, they will have my e-mail address and they will forward letters to me if so requested. I will continue to pray for you, Nikki! Serving the Lord Jesus Christ, Cathleen Sanders |
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Ahhh, one long-term prank successfully concluded. Perhaps I'll revive it for a sequel in a year or so, and see if I can get them to buy any ludicrous "insider information" stories. Or perhaps I'll let Nikki ride off into the sunset. After all, there's a world of people out there just asking for it, and we can't let Chick have ALL the fun. I'd like to take the opportunity to say a few things, for the denser members of the audience: I do not worship the devil. As a matter of fact, I don't worship anything. All the details about Satanism that I put in Nicola's letters either came directly from the Chick website (telling them what they already believe) or out of my own imagination. So if you're a Satanist, I'm sorry about the misrepresentations in here. It was all in the name of humor. I am not anti-Christian. There are a great many Christians out there who I have absolutely no problem with. I may have some problems with their theology, but if they don't bug me, I don't bug them. Indeed, I actually rather enjoy intellectual debates on such things as the existence of god. What I do have a problem with is these holier-than-thou bastards spending all their time, money and effort to scare people into following their particular worldview, and trying to influence public policy in ridiculous ways - for example, attempting to put ancient Hebrew mythology into science classes. I also love how they pretend they're being persecuted. Immediately before putting this page up, I decided to replace the names of the people at Chick with pseudonyms. After all (to steal one of Dave Barry's turns of phrase), they are a big, powerful corporation and I am a small, worthless piece of scum. Even though they don't have a leg to stand on they could make my life miserable over this in court. So I decided to play it ever-so-slightly safer and give Cathleen and Gary new names. |